I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
