im drinking this country out of the recession.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
