the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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