Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
