While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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