my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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