Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
