I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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