I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I need a beard to bite.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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