its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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