just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
