Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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