New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
