ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
