gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
