dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
