if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this beer tastes like vomit already
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
