Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
why is half of my head shaved?
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