Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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