My cat gives me a boner
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
