Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
