Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
