Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The air taste purple.
Randomize