I seem to have left my pride at pride
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize