I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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