I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
