I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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