The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
