i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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