Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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