Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
