i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
