i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
