I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
