My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Randomize
