My friends, they love my intelligence
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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