I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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