Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
