Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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