went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
