based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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