Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize