I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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