Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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