the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
