i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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