Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
