this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
