Kareoke will never be a sober sport
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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