why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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