i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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