This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
