U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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