her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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