Just cropdusted the office
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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