You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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