yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
