I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
