Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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