he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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