I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
