it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
