I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
